


"At least you're not checking out your own bro when he walks out the shower"

by Miramise



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 10:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3846889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miramise/pseuds/Miramise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's word to mouth filter has always been glitchy at best.  This time is no different, though the outcome is anything but what he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"At least you're not checking out your own bro when he walks out the shower"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tacticalTempest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tacticalTempest/gifts).



> Something random that popped in my head. Emphasis on random. No beta, unless a spellcheck counts. Gifting to tac, who is just generally awesome.

He must have been infected with some of his bro's crazy. That is the only explanation for Dave to have confessed his most illicit, depraved, and socially scandalous desire to his best friend. Yes, best friend who also happened to be a suburban prince. John probably turns into a beet if he catches a cover of Playboy. And here he is, raised by the lord of lewdness, and admitting that he's got the hots for his own flesh and blood.

Dave thinks he needs to lay off the royal titles for a minute.

He knows that's just a distraction, because John hasn't responded yet, and it's hitting the two minute mark. Not as though Dave _meant_ to give him the tell-all exclusive. He just couldn't take John lamenting about being single for the rest of his life when Dave would probably have his pick of ladies the world over. Okay, a slight exaggeration, but only slight.

So he finally decided to shut John up by admitting it wasn't any lady he wanted to pick.

Couldn't let it end there; nope. Rose always warned him about his 'eternal soliloquies' would get away from him. But hearing John fret about being forever alone just ripped it all out of Dave before he could think about it. No doubt because he empathised with John more than the other teen could ever imagine.

Three minutes; still no reply.

The fear of a crazy heartache at losing his best friend gnaws at Dave's gut. Forget butterflies; he's pretty sure he's got a plague of locust performing their best acrobatic tricks in his stomach.

Oh why could he never learn to shut his big--?

_ping_

He doesn't want to look. Dave has never want to not do something as much as he does *not* want to look at the chat window at this very moment.

This is one of those moments where he will admit it sucks to be a Strider, because as one, Dave has no choice but to look.

EB: thanks a lot! how am i suppose to ogle him now when you got a home field advantage??

Well.

That is a thing that happened.

He waits a few minutes for the punchline, but the screen is silent from John's end. When there is no telltale ping, Dave's fingers are on the keyboard before he even thinks about what he's saying.

TG: well if you were here we could check him out together and compare notes

_Stupid stupid stupid..._ Dave berates him over and over. He should know better! Just because John's more or less fessed up to liking Bro doesn't mean he's anywhere near to level of kink a Strider would possess. There is no way John would--

EB: think your bro would mind if i came down there to visit for a week?

Dave is happy he's alone at the moment, because he's positive his ironic levels have suffered from the dropped jaw he's picking up.

"A week, huh?"

Dave did not yelp, and he will swear by that to his last breath.

Dirk is so into Dave's personal space that the younger Strider isn't sure how he _didn't_ notice before hearing the deep voice in his ear. This is followed by a clear 'oh shit!' and much spastic flailing as Dave realises his bro can read everything on the screen, including the little confession he gave John.

"Uh, Bro, seriously, I can explain--"

"He legal?"

Somewhere in the world, Dave is sure someone is getting a surge of ironic coolness from the amount he keeps losing.

"He... uh... turned eighteen this month actually."

"That's cool. I don't screw underaged twinks." Dave feels a steely gaze roam over him, leaving his hair on end. "How long?"

It takes a moment to understand the question. "Since I was fourteen."

"Hmm." Dirk pauses as he reads back over the screen, then turns to leave the room.

"Bro?"

"Tell him he can come down if he wants. We'll make a sandwich outta him." Dirk throws this casually over his shoulder, leaving the younger Strider to wonder just which alternate reality he fell into. He shakes his head before turning back to the screen.

TG: naw he wont mind  
TG: just wanted to make sure youre legal  
EB: can buy my own tobacco and everything.  
EB: not that i want to. the pipe works for dad, but i think i'm okay without it.  
EB: anyway, i already let dad know. he offered to drive, but i think i'll fly in since i got some money saved up.  
TG: sounds good but  
TG: he was just in here and he read my screen  
TG: that's when he said it was okay  
TG: after mentioning not doing a minor  
EB: okay, so?  
TG: so???  
TG: dude, he just confirmed if you were legal after reading about us both checking him out  
TG: he wants to make a sandwich  
TG: and i don't mean the kind you get from the corner deli  
EB: still not seeing a problem here.

Dave finds that resisting the urge for a double combo facepalm is proving to be quite difficult the more he tries to explain without saying it out right. He does _not_ want to say it out right.

TG: dude he read my screen  
TG: he asked if youre legal  
TG: he wants what im guessing will be an egbert sandwich with everything on it  
TG: so you do know whats going to happen if you come over right??  
EB: duh! works out for everyone this way.

Jaw-drop times three combo, achieved.

EB: anyway, gonna go start making plans.  
EB: oh, and dave?  
TG: yeah  
EB: don't do anything without me.  
EB: or else send pics. ;)

John logs off, which is just as well. It gives Dave time to take a few deep breaths before hitting pesterchum again.

TG: hey rolonde  
TT: Is that a thing from you now?  
TG: yup  
TG: dont worry this wont take even a minute  
TT: And what is that?  
TG: just letting you know you missed the mark  
TT: Missed the mark on what?  
TG: my word rivers going to get me the sweetest week  
TG: make your wizard porn look like a middle school teen crush  
TG: the kind that doesnt go beyond the annoying giggle of chicks  
TG: keeping their heads close and whispering how cool the heartthrob is  
TT: What ARE you talking about?  
TG: not knowing they aint got a chance  
TG: because Danny McStuds got a hot number coming over to visit  
TG: and its not for a study session  
TT: I can honestly say I have no idea where this particular tangent of yours is going.  
TG: in short your whole mind ninja on my word filters was wrong  
TG: because my flow is legit getting me laid  
TT: What!  
TG: and thats really all there is to say on the matter


End file.
